


Realizations

by FriendLey



Series: Forever [8]
Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 02:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17459291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendLey/pseuds/FriendLey
Summary: "You're the one who wanted to go for three."





	Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Madam Secretary or any of its characters used in this story. What is written here is for entertainment purposes only. No infringement is intended and no profit is being made from this.

The week wasn't going very well for Elizabeth McCord.

It's Thursday and it's been four days since she last saw her family, four days since she had a proper shower, four days since she ate anything other than cereal.

A desk job at Langley was supposed to be a breeze. That was one of the reasons she signed up for it when she became a mother in the first place. But monitoring terrorists, and analyzing their movements and motives down to the tiniest dot, all in the confines of a room was not the calming breeze she was expecting.

It was a hurricane that managed to knock her senses out the window, leaving her sleep deprived, exhausted, cranky, and nauseous to the point that whenever her boss came for updates, she had to restrain herself from strangling him by his bow tie.

Elizabeth guiltily thought back to the phone call she had with her daughter this morning.

Parenting over the phone seemed to be the week's norm. Thank goodness for Henry being the capable husband and father that he was, he managed fine without her. Although he couldn't do anything about their daughters missing their mother which was what the early morning phone call was about.

"When are you coming back?" Stevie had demanded.

"I don't know, sweetheart," Elizabeth told her, prickling with annoyance at the interruption to the only five minute window of sleep that she had.

"But you said that yesterday! Mommy, I don't know what you look like anymore!" Elizabeth rolled her eyes at the exaggeration. "I want you back! Daddy doesn't make the bath bubbles right and—"

"Stevie," Elizbeth sharply cut in, "Mom's really busy, okay. I can't go home if I don't finish my work and I can't finish my work if you keep bothering me." She sucked in a breath, reminding herself that her daughter wasn't the bad guy. "Baby, I need you to be a little patient, okay? I promise that as soon as I can, I'll be home to make your bath bubbles."

Stevie muttered a soft "Okay" and then hung up.

The minute it was over, Elizabeth felt awful. She promised herself never to take it out on her kids, never to let the job interfere. But it happened anyway. The shame was enough to make her run to the bathroom and throw up.

Isabelle found her crouched down and heaving inside one of the cubicles.

"God, Bess, you're not pregnant again are you?" Isabelle had asked and although it was an offhanded comment, the thought only made Elizabeth throw up some more.

She couldn't be pregnant. She couldn't be going through three cups of coffee a day, barely getting a wink of sleep, tracking terrorists, juggling parenting a two year old and a six year old,  _and_ be pregnant. She couldn't deal with stress at work and the stress her body's gonna give her.

But with the idea planted in her mind, she couldn't shake it off. Suddenly it all made sense, the reason why she's mad all the time, why she's nauseous, why her boobs are sore, and why her period's late.

_Damn it._

Elizabeth blinked back tears. She really didn't want to be pregnant right now.

So, after having thrown up what little of the breakfast she had and failing to get through the remainder of the day, she finally rang up her husband, desperate to quell the anxiety that was rising up in her.

"Hey, babe!" Henry sounded annoyingly cheerful and well-rested.

"I think I might be pregnant," Elizabeth blurted out. There was silence on the other end and she hastily filled it. "I'm tired. I'm hormonal. I threw up more than once. And my boobs are sore and I missed my cycle."

"Babe, that's great!" came Henry's reply and it irked Elizabeth. Henry was always pushing to have a third child but they had put off the conversation until Alison was past her second year. "Not the throwing up part. The part where we're having a baby. But you don't sound pretty excited. What's wrong? You don't want this?"

Elizabeth asked herself the same question. Did she want this? She enjoyed being a mother, didn't she?

"It's not that I don't want it. I just don't want to be pregnant at  _this_  point in time. We're barely balancing work and the girls, and we want to add another baby into this? I just—" Her voice broke and she started to cry. "See? These damn pregnancy hormones are getting in the way and I'm barely coming up with intel on this case." She ran a hand through her hair; a few strands came away with it. "Henry, even my hair's starting to fall out! And you should've heard me talk to Stevie this morning. I was short with her when the only crime she committed was to miss her mother."

"Listen, hey, hey! Elizabeth, listen to me. Take a deep breath."

Elizabeth inhaled deeply, pressing the phone tighter to her ear.

"We're not even sure about whether or not you're pregnant. Babe, you're stressed and you're tired—you're overwhelmed," said Henry. "So, what about I go and buy some pregnancy tests on my way to pick up the girls? And then you come home to us tonight, get some rest, and we can find out together."

"No." Elizabeth shook her head. "No, I'll pick up the girls." The thought of leaving work was starting to make her feel better and she managed to breathe easier. "I'll get out early. Isabelle can cover for me. Just meet me at home."

"Okay but babe?" Elizabeth didn't answer but she knew Henry knew she was listening. "We'll freak out when it's something, alright?"

She noticed he used the word 'we' and she loved her husband even more at that moment for being willing to put aside his longing for a third child and worry  _with_  her.

"Okay. Yeah. I'll see you tonight."

After speaking with Isabelle, Elizabeth left for Stevie's school.

She double-parked by the street of the elementary building and then got out of the car, leaning against it as she waited for her daughter to come out and join the throng of students outside.

Elizabeth spotted her daughter first. Her shoulder length hair was an unruly mess under the headband she was wearing and she was lazily hitting her snack box against the side of her thigh.

Stevie's eyes widened when she saw her mother and she broke into a run straight towards her.

"Mommy!" She crashed into Elizabeth's outstretched arms. "You're here! You're here!"

Elizabeth hugged her daughter, inhaling the smell of her shampoo and showering her head with kisses. "Yes, I'm here. I finished work extra super fast just to see you. I missed you so much, baby!"

Stevie pulled away. "Are you coming home now?"

Elizabeth nodded, fixing her daughter's hair. "Yep. And even better: you and I are gonna share a bubble bath like we used to do when you were little."

The look of delight on Stevie's face made leaving work early worth it. "Yay!"

They both got inside the car and Elizabeth drove to pick up Alison from daycare next.

In the backseat, Stevie rifled through her backpack and took out a piece of paper. She leaned over between the two front seats, waving the paper at her mother.

"I got a star on my homework today, mommy," Stevie said proudly.

Elizabeth gave it a passing glance and saw that it contained words instead of the drawings she expected.

"I can't read it right now, baby. Mom's driving. How about you read it to me?"

"Okay," said Stevie with a shrug. "Well, Miss Peters gave us homework yesterday to do something kind and to write the kind things we did. So, I did this: 'I helped daddy make dinner. He was tired so I washed the dishes and gave him a massage. I cleaned up my sister's toys and gave her a bath. Daddy also missed my mommy so my sister and I slept in his room so that he won't be alone.'"

Elizabeth smiled at the road. "You did that for dad?"

"Yeah!"

"Good girl! Taking care of Ali and dad while I was away. You deserve a prize."

"Bubble bath!"

Elizabeth laughed as they approached the day care. "Yep. A bubble bath."

...

Glancing at her two kids from the rearview mirror, Elizabeth saw the older sister tickle the younger in her car seat.

The sounds of the girls shrieking and laughing only served to make Elizabeth's day a hundred times better.

Now that she had the clarity to think, Elizabeth remembered her two previous pregnancies; she hadn't been ready for the girls then too. Henry was on his last tour in Afghanistan when they were expecting Stevie, and when Alison was coming, he was working for the NSA while she was co-heading a department.

Neither two times had been the right time to fall pregnant no matter how much family planning she and Henry did. She distinctly remembered the fear and anxiety of screwing up her kids. But there they were, the most perfect, good little girls, shrieking in laughter in the backseat of the car, not wanting for anything except maybe the right kind of bath bubbles.

Maybe she overreacted earlier today. Maybe having another baby wouldn't be so bad. Henry's always been wanting to go for three.

Elizabeth pulled up in the driveway and they all entered the house.

Before the two girls could go anywhere, Elizabeth said, "Okay, you two. To mommy's bathroom. We're gonna have a bubble bath."

Stevie jumped up in glee and Alison copied her.

The two girls ran up the stairs, Elizabeth following.

Minutes later, the three of them were in the tub and Alison and Stevie were smearing bubbles all over their mother's face.

"We're making you Mama Santa Clause," snickered Stevie.

Elizabeth gathered up small clumps of bubbles and put it on Alison's and Stevie's chins. "That makes you two Baby Clause."

Alison giggled and splashed water to their faces. "Kloss, mama."

Elizabeth scooped up some more bubbles and then blew it away from them.

Alison did the same, letting out a wet "Pllffftt."

The door to the bathroom swung open and Henry casually leaned against the door frame.

"Daddy!" greeted Stevie, blowing bubbles in his direction.

"Wow. A bubble party! Can I join?" Henry asked, walking over and crouching down beside the tub.

Alison nodded while Stevie shook her head, saying "We can't fit, dad. You're too big."

Elizabeth scrunched up her nose and voiced her agreement. "Yeah. And this is a Girls Only bubble bath party."

"If we have a baby brother, daddy, you can have a Boys Only party," said Stevie.

"Oh, yeah?" Henry stood up and kicked off his shoes.

"Daddy no!" said Stevie, laughing and pressing herself closer to her mother.

With his clothes still on, Henry climbed in the tub amidst the shrieks and protests of the girls. Water sloshed over to the bathroom floor as he settled opposite them. Then, he pulled Stevie and Alison to his side, tickling them.

"Aaaah! Mommy help!"

Elizabeth laughed, shaking her head in reply. "Nope. I'm gonna stay in this side."

Henry raised a soggy, dripping, sock-clad foot and nudged his wife in the arm.

Elizabeth made a face. "Eww! Dad! Stop!"

Minutes later, when the bubbles began to disappear, Elizabeth herded the kids out of the tub and tasked Stevie into putting some dry clothes on herself and her younger sister.

Finally alone, Elizabeth crawled to Henry's side, leaning her back against his chest.

Henry wrapped his arms around her. "I see a relaxing bubble bath helped," he said.

Elizabeth hummed. "That and spending some time with the girls." She captured his hand and played with it. "So I may have panicked over the phone when I called you today."

Henry chuckled. "It's alright to panic. You're dealing with a lot right now."

Elizabeth twisted around, "But that's hardly an excuse. We dealt with even more when we had Stevie and Alison."

"Yeah but babe, you never worked four days straight then either."

Elizabeth settled against him again. "I was worried, Henry. I  _am_ worried—worried that I'm turning into a mother I'll hate, worried that one mistake can cost me millions of lives  _and_  a relationship with my family."

"Hey," Henry squeezed her shoulders. "The world doesn't rest on your shoulders alone."

"I know that… When I picked up the girls today and when we were playing in the bath tub, I felt pure, unimaginable joy. No matter how tired I was, I felt like I could run a marathon for them… You know, Stevie also told me about her Kindness Homework. I'm so proud of her for taking care of Ali and of you when I wasn't around. She's such a big girl now."

"Yeah."

"We didn't screw her up, Henry.  _I_  didn't. And it made me think of the other times I fretted over having a baby… There's never a  _perfect_  time to have one. You're never ready, at least not emotionally. But you take it anyway because… it's what you want."

"Are you saying… you want another baby?"

"I'm saying... if we made another baby, I would accept the gift. If I'm pregnant or not... either way, I'll be fine with it."

Henry kissed her shoulder blade and Elizabeth, drew her knees to her chest, turned her body around so that she and Henry were completely facing each other.

"Besides," she began to unbutton his wet shirt. "I kind of want a boy this time, a tiny you. He'd be really cute."

"That's what I've been telling you!"

Elizabeth laughed, hitting him gently on his chest.

...

Elizabeth stood over the bathroom counter, staring at three separate pregnancy tests.

Henry stood behind her, hands resting on her shoulders.

"It's time," he said.

Elizabeth slowly turned the three tests over, eyes searching for the positive sign on the edges of the sticks.

Her eyes prickled with tears and she turned around, pressing her face to Henry's chest.

Henry hugged her tight to him, rubbing her back as she mourned the loss of a baby that was never there.

She resurfaced from his chest for air. "I don't know what's wrong with me. If I'm not pregnant why am I nauseous and mad and sore? Why are my eyes leaking? Why is my period a week late?!"

Henry caressed her face, sliding a thumb over her cheeks. "You've had a tough week. You haven't slept, you haven't even eaten a proper meal, your body changes when it's stressed, babe. You weren't wrong to suspect you were pregnant."

Elizabeth looked down, biting her lips. "I didn't know how much I wanted to be pregnant until we found out I wasn't."

Henry nudged her chin up slowly. "Hey, we can always make another one."

"Go for three?" She asked, eyes trailing to Henry's lips.

"Not tonight," Henry chuckled. "The making of baby number three can wait until tomorrow. The last thing you need is to lose some more sleep."

Elizabeth considered his point. "Tomorrow. Promise?"

"I promise."

"And you'll tell your little soldiers to give us a baby boy?" She twirled a finger and pointed it down to a certain area of his body.

Henry laughed, happy his wife was in the mood to joke again. He nodded. "I'll tell them."

They walked out of the bathroom.

"But of course a baby girl will be just as welcome," said Elizabeth.

"We just won't stop until we get a baby boy."

"Correct."

"And lose sleep until we get the boy."

"Yup."

"I love you," said Henry, taking her by the hand before she got too far away from him and slowly kissing her on the lips.

Elizabeth moaned softly. "I thought we were gonna start making a baby tomorrow."

"Just a sneak peek," said Henry before stealing one more kiss.


End file.
